My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
