There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
vagina is talking i cant
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
