she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
