We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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