everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
