can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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