if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
