She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
