I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
