Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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