Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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