Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Hello my rib-scented angel!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
