I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
