I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
