i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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