I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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