saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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