I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
