He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
