last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
we made out on top of his cat.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I need water and some morals
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
