It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
