Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
