Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
