i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
