i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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