Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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