Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Did I show you my penis last night?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
