$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
