If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
