when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
