i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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