god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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