you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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