What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
