Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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