I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
