6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
