walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
