You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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