break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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