I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
