just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
