literally had 100 drinks last night.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize