I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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