Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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