i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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