I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
