my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
