we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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