You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
