I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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