I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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