tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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