Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
handjob tips. give me some.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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